This is a question I have been asking many of my clients lately.
And I've even had to ask this of myself.
When I ask this question, these are not the random or wishy washy thoughts that come in and out of our conscious like, "I wonder what my dog calls me in their head." or "How many pizza slices have I had in my lifetime?"
The thoughts you subscribe to are thoughts that are engrained in our souls. Usually, they are thoughts about ourselves that we have learned from our upbringing. And these are the thoughts that drive our values and identities.
Awareness is the biggest catalyst for change. So how do we ask ourselves what thoughts we have subscribed to?
Thoughts, Feelings, Actions
Most of the time, we will notice our actions before anything. The theory behind Cognitive Behavior Therapy is: how we think (thoughts) affects how we feel (feelings), and how we feel affects what we do (actions).
So when you notice yourself having an intense reaction, we have to work backwards and start asking questions.
Scenario
Let me give a scenario that may or may not happened in real life. (It did.)
Scenario: A woman calls her partner after work. Her partner is subdued and quiet. After a few minutes, she says she can call back because he did not seem to be in a good mood. Her partner says, "It's up to you." She gets upset at his response, yells at him, and hangs up.
Let's find out what thoughts I, I mean this woman, are subscribing to.
If the model is this:
Thoughts --> Feelings --> Actions
The first thing we may notice is the outcome or the actions. So we have to work backwards.
Action/Outcome: Yelling and hanging up.
Working backwards, we ask:
What feelings led to yelling and hanging up on her partner?
Feelings: Rejected, frustrated, confused.
Working backwards, we ask:
What thoughts led her to feel rejected, frustrated and confused?
Thoughts: "He doesn't want to talk to me." "He's so quiet, why is he being that way?" "Does he not like me anymore?"
Now, here's the hard part. The thoughts that you think are all connected to a core belief you have of yourself. And that is what you are subscribing to. You may need some assistance with this from a therapist, but this is where the work starts.
The thought I (let's face it, we know this is me) subscribe to: I am not worthy. I am not valuable. I am not enough.
I wish we could have an unsubscribe or block button to these core beliefs. But it's not that easy. The real work starts in asking yourself, "Where did I learn this?"
On the next post, I will be breaking down the steps even further, in order to be able to practice this.